I am 7.5 years into motherhood and boy have I learned so much over the years. Recently, in the last few months with all the events of Sarah’s girls and my girls the term “hold loosely” has never been more applicable than ever. I wish I could have had that wisdom about 4 years ago.

My first baby girl was perfect in every way. All 6.5lb and 18inches of her born on a Tuesday afternoon on the hottest September 7th day. My mind was truly blown after giving birth and having all the newborn snuggles. Birth alone is something that no one can prepare you for. You simply have to go through it to fully understand all the details. I mean, your girl friends can tell you some things, but my stars, the Lord wasn’t kidding when he said we would have pain with childbirth.

All that to say, the hospital felt like a mini time warp as we started the new parent journey. Kind nurses were in and out of our room like clockwork along with other personnel that made sure our newborn was on the right track. I vividly remember the hearing test and being so grateful that she passed. Never in a million years would I have imagined what we would go through in 3 short years.

Spring 2020: First signs of hearing loss

Fast forward to spring of 2020. I was sent home from work for 6 weeks and enjoyed some very precious time with my 3 year old and just turned 2 year old while being pregnant with our 3rd who was due summer of 2020. We played outside in the spring weather, took walks, scootered, learned to ride bikes, danced, dressed up, created art, etc. In the midst of the Covid chaos, I was living a little piece of Heaven.

I honestly did not notice much about my 3 year olds hearing capabilities, but my mother would ask more often than I felt comfortable if Millie could hear us. She would say things like, “I just don’t think she hears us.” I would brush it off and almost feel offended because my baby was perfect right? My husband and I would test her and ask her questions while running in the stroller so she could not see us. Sometimes she would answer and sometimes she wouldn’t. Again, she was 3 years old, possibly stubborn, and our first born. We were not trained to look for hearing loss signs. We had no reason to. Our guts continued to believe that something was wrong as the summer progressed.

The Gut Punch: Official diagnosis of hearing loss

On her 4th birthday we had her yearly checkup at the pediatrician office. I asked to have her hearing checked. She failed the in office test and we were instantly referred to Vanderbilt audiology. I cannot tell you the time frame, but it was relatively quick. I took her to the first appointment to see the speech therapist for her evaluation. The day is a blur, but I remember after the evaluation, the therapist handed me the paper with my child’s results which showed she was practically deaf. Tears stung my eyes and I simply could not speak or else I would come apart. I remember nodding and attempting to smile and be polite to the therapist. Her words sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” The Lord picked up my feet and carried them out of the building that day.

I cried all the way home, but at the same time trying to be strong for my girl. My mother was at the house keeping my 2 year old. There is something about seeing your mother that makes you lose it. I buried my head in her chest and just heaved my sorry and grief over the diagnosis. The following days felt like slow motion and a mixed bag of emotions. Glad to have found out in order to help her, frustrated about not catching it sooner, angry as to why, helpless, and hopeful all at the same time.

Decisions about hearing loss

Matt and I had to make a decision about the path to take for our daughter. Sign language was one path or we could choose surgery to get cochlear implants and allow her full hearing for the rest of her life. We both agreed that we wanted our daughter to hear because she did hear for most of her life. The best we can guess is that she slowly lost her hearing around the age of 3. She definitely heard initially and started talking normally. My favorite memory is her singing in the car to Ellie Holcolmb’s song “Sing.” She would loudly proclaim the lion’s “roar” and the thunder going “boom” and “sing, sing, sing.” But eventually she stopped singing.

Hearing aides did nothing for Millie due the type of hearing loss she had. So we moved forward with surgery for cochlear implants. Her first surgery was January 2021, and the second surgery was August 2021. Our team of doctors and audiologist and speech therapists were amazing and took the best care of us. Millie immediately started speech after her first surgery and she took speech for about a year before “catching” up.

Present day hearing update

Millie is thriving with her cochlear implants. She is independent in wearing them now and puts them on routinely in the morning before coming down the stairs. She excelled in 1st grade this year and had no trouble in the classroom and she loves to swim. We are grateful there are covers for her “ears” that keep them dry while swimming. Technology has come so far in the hearing loss world and we could never be more grateful.

Looking back on the hearing journey

Hind site is always 20/20 isn’t it? As a mother I have replayed the first few years of Millie’s life over and over and over again in my head to find any more inklings of her hearing loss and wishing we could have caught it sooner. But this is her story designed by a perfect Creator. He chose Matt and I to be her parents and walk through this journey with her and continue as she grows up. We are praying for no more bumps in the road, but also hold loosely her life in our hands. Her spirit is so sweet and tender and the Lord knew she could handle hearing loss with grace.

Our lives rely on technology to allow for smooth days. We have to charge batteries and change them daily. Other parts of the ear piece can go out and we have to replace them. Sometimes we don’t have a part and have to wait a couple of days and feel terrible that she doesn’t have two working ears.

There have been so many conversations about her ears with friends, classmates, and family. Some of her friends say she has a super power because she can pop off the magnet and have quiet in a loud situation. Life tells stories and I think that is the beauty in the brokenness of this world. Millie has a beautiful story to tell and my most favorite part is that she sings again.

XO,

Kimberly